The Darkly Floods Of May

Of the hard-luck stories, the result of the Darkly Floods Of May, more hard luck could not surely have been experienced than at the Drunken Duck. Good weather for them. Ducks, that is. Actually I’m not sure that floods are that great for ducks, especially if they are drunken or happen to be a bar. Russ, having been installed for the season, opens, has a good evening, and then … then apparently finds himself up to his waist in water, various white goods of a commercial style similarly inundated. Things, one trusts, can only get better. And where and when did we once hear something along those lines? More below.

Elsewhere, rather grander edifices also suffered. Not, by the way, that the Drunken Duck isn’t grand, but it does pail – sic – into less than grandeur alongside (were it in fact alongside, which it isn’t) the Can Ramis building. Yep, the Alcúdia world of Lego was also affected by the Great Rains. Not even a budget of in excess of one million euros could prevent ingress, though one might have hoped the million plus might have made it a bit more water-tight. The inundation was not on the scale of the hilariously disastrous Great Palma Metro Flood soon after it opened, but inundation it still was – through the door and through the ceiling … into the tourist office. There are now some rather attractive watermarks on the floor.

One of the more common English from Spanish expressions/words that is used locally is “perfect”, as from “perfecto”, a regular enough interjection in Spanish speech. In the case of the Darkly Floods Of May, perfect it most certainly wasn’t, or indeed “perfick”. And less than perfect is the situation with regard to potato farming. The floods have not helped what has been a difficult time for the potato growers of Sa Pobla who have been protesting against lack of government help. One imagines that they might be protesting some more; the export market, in particular, could be hit hard.

And so to the election. It will be small consolation to Nick Clegg that in Mallorca he had a large amount of support. Not necessarily from an exiled votership, but from the locals, as in Mallorcans. The “Diario” ran a poll, asking who readers would vote for were they able to vote.

I, being the acting returning officer for Alcúdia, Pollensa and all points Mallorca, hereby give notice that the total percentages for David Cameron are 21%, Gordon Brown 25% and Nick Clegg 54%, and that Nick Clegg has been duly elected as Prime Minister in exile in Mallorca.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Still Waters Run Deep: After the floods and alternative gastronomy

Après le déluge.

Big weather events bring with them big weather stories. Those of being flooded out, those of cars stalled, those of roads closed. And then there are those of the great floods of the past, those of weather’s not normally like that at this time of the year, with which someone disagrees, referring to the great deluge of … whenever it may have been, if at all.

Everywhere you went, there was some post-flood cleaning up in progress. Restaurant Jardín, for example. Dani staring somewhat forlornly at a wide green hose. The Siesta 2 swimming-pool having to be pumped out and re-filled as it had gone an unpleasant colour of Sant Marti mountain plus muddy water plus whatever else. And everywhere you went, you might inadvertently come across the aftermath of the great rains – roads in the centre of Puerto Alcúdia under significant amounts of water, and the fire engines pumping away for all their worth, which makes you wonder how much a fire engine is worth and whether this worth can really be calculated in terms of water-pumping capability. And then … big mistake, taking the turning towards the Condes, then an even bigger one to take the turning past the Viva Tropic. Still waters running deeper. Truly, truly I am sorry to the lady who I splashed. I did slow, I did brake (which is not really advisable), but I couldn’t help it. Later, someone tells me that Spanish driving instruction includes advice to drive at as high a speed as possible through floods. This explains much. Splash, drench, curse.

The great weather event of 3 May will now pass into history, but for the moment it is another body blow, made no better by news of Ireland under a cloud.

But then to the local Eroski where the spirits rise a little. Not because of special offers on beer or the like, but because of the music. You can never be sure what you’ll get over the PA in the supermarket. New Order “Regret”. It makes shopping for aluminium foil positively uplifting, and you wonder … what if I were to turn into the next aisle and there would be Hooky and Barney playing live. They aren’t, but it seemed like a nice idea at the time. Which made me think … Things you would never expect to find in your local Eroski. New Order would be one, but decent bacon might be another. Which made me think further.

A recent correspondent via the Alcudia forum was asking about the great English breakfast, so I set him a challenge – to unearth the best, in his opinion. Don’t, please, for one moment think I’m about to do this as we all know where, even with the best intentions, identifying best of bars etc. can lead. But a humble visitor is a different matter, methinks, while the role of the full English is, in my view, sadly overlooked when it comes to all this carry-on about Mallorcan gastronomy. It may not be Mallorcan, but it is part of the Mallorcan scene. So from this has been spawned a further idea for this newspaper thing. The alternative gastronomy page. And I have found my “expert” alter egos. Their names are Pam and Olly (as in Pa amb Oli – ho, ho). They know who they are, as I told them yesterday morning. Bet you can’t wait.

(I should, I feel, thank Seamus for providing the initial inspiration for Pam and Olly.)

I don’t know, but I reckon this can qualify among our summer/holiday songs. The Four Tops, “Still Waters Run Deep”:

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Match Of The Day: Floods and Match Point

First the volcano, then the floods. What next? Plague of locusts, anyone?

To say that the first working day of the season was a damp squib would be an understatement. It was horrific. The coast road from Puerto Pollensa to Alcudia was bad enough, but the bypass at the back of Bellevue. Man alive. Waterfalls cascading like giant bathroom overflows down the side of the Sant Marti mountain, bringing with them detritus, mud and water, water and more water. When finally I reached the haven of close to home, I abandoned the car because my road was impassable, and trudged back with what felt like several inches of water inside my shoes, past the poor suckers who have garages below ground. They must now appreciate that such garages are in the class of being a completely crap idea.

And so to why I had been in Puerto Pollensa. Well, one port of call was a place that has, open for barely a couple of days, already shot to the top of the local controversy charts. It’s called Match Point. Pub and sports bar. Raul from Eolo. Nice chap. Very enthusiastic. Why the controversy? It’s hard to understand, to be honest, but it has gone in with a bullet at number one, toppling Bony and the entire Boulevard Group from their normal positions, which takes some doing.

The pub is on two floors, it will have an inner terrace once the debris is removed and it will boast multi-screens for different sports. The upper floor in particular is impressive, and will be even more so once everything is installed. The pub looks towards the nautical club and is thus in a great location. But it is this which seems, as much as anything, to have caused the unrest, as in it shouldn’t be there. And what the place looks like. Which is? A pub. Heaven forbid. Around the old resort of Puerto Pollensa, the jungle drums of discontent were beating yesterday.

Look, one has to be sensitive to cherished impressions and memories of Puerto Pollensa. It would be fantastic had the place had a preservation order slapped onto it and had it been kept in some quaint time-warp of the Illa D’Or and Sis Pins (which is rather charmingly of course boarded up). I would have applauded such a move. But it has not been subject to any such preservation. Witness the mish-mash of architectural styles dotted around the resort. Unlike the old town, which has this sort of order (not that this is to everyone’s liking), the resort is an altogether different beast. It is a commercial centre, and the fact is that it has changed. To the physical change can be added shifting demographics, both tourist and local.

Into this change come new businesses. Some people don’t like them, and they have every right not to. Yet these businesses demonstrate at least the application of ideas, and Raul is not short of them. Some would rather they kept their ideas to themselves. This is not going to happen.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.