White Stripes: Why did the tourist cross the road?

Sledging in cricket has produced some fine moments of insult. One of the most famous exchanges went along these lines … Bowler inciting batsman who was not hitting the ball: “it’s red, round, in case you were wondering”; batsman responding, having hit the next ball out of the ground: “you know what it looks like, now go and find it”. The true origins of sledges have tended to become confused. This one is sometimes attributed to South Africa’s Shaun Pollock and Australia’s Ricky Ponting, which is almost certainly wrong. More commonly, it is attributed to Greg Thomas of Glamorgan and the West Indies’ Viv Richards. Not that it really matters. This is not an article on sledging.

The sledge has, though, occurred to me when driving along the local main roads. It would be something like: “it’s white, striped, now walk on it.”

The re-modelling of the main road (Carretera Arta) through Puerto Alcúdia and Playa de Muro and ever eastwards is to enter its third phase in October when the grotty thoroughfare in Can Picafort is given a similar makeover. The whole scheme has been about giving priority to pedestrians, and to a large extent it has been successful in this aim. What has not been wholly successful has been convincing pedestrians to use the white stripes and the non-striped islands as the means of crossing the road.

Bone idleness, especially while on holiday, is pretty much a given, but the planners have failed to comprehend this. True, it might bring traffic to a complete halt were there to be crossings every ten metres – you can have only so many of them, and doubtless they’d still be ignored anyway – but there are some points along the road where the non-crossing is glaring and potentially dangerous. One of the most striking is near to the Palma roundabout on the Playa de Muro-Alcúdia boundary. The Marítimo hotel is just before this roundabout. There is an island a few metres to the left where one comes out of the hotel to cross the road. Who uses it? No one. It’s in the wrong place, assuming one accepts the bone idleness theory, and I am who subscribes to it. I don’t use the crossing either. Another example is given by the hordes who head out of the Delfin Azul and Port d’Alcudia hotels. The straight line to the beach is halfway between two islands. Consequently, they are also unused.

Why did they undertake the road remodelling in the first place? It was to make the road safer. But how can it be described thus, when there are pedestrians, centre road, waving damn great lilos around and attached to the ubiquitous baby-buggy? The buggy has become that de rigueur that one wonders whether it is used solely for the transporting of infants or whether it houses all the other paraphernalia without which no day on the beach would be complete. Whatever. I am uneasy as I pass a family or several in mid road whilst a truck or coach approaches in the opposite direction. And woe betide if you stop to allow them to cross. Inevitably it takes an age for them to appreciate the fact that you have stopped for that purpose, and meanwhile matey-boy behind is getting into a strop.

When they re-do the road in Can Picafort, they’ll probably make the same mistakes, such as the beautification of the Playa de Muro stretch with its crossings where emerging pedestrians are obscured from drivers’ vision by parked cars, hedges and palm trees and the failure to prevent the inner roads parallel to the carretera from being used as rapid rat runs. One can but hope, though. The current system of Can Picafort crossings and side roads into which or out of which you can neither enter nor exit is confusing enough as it is, without having to contend with the lilo-flapping jaywalkers. Least they can do is get a new walk, don’t walk system: it’s white, it’s striped, now use it.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Dirty Duckers: Alcúdia corruption and Can Picafort mischief

If you had been inclined to think that all the corruption hoo-ha had gone quiet because of the summer hols, you would have been incorrect. Investigations are ongoing and they have just got very much closer to home. Home, in this instance, being Alcúdia town hall. There was I saying that, Can Ramis apart, Alcúdia was a less turbulent administration than others. I should know better.

As part of the IBATUR (Balearics tourism agency) case, there is a sub-investigation, one that involves a company called Trui. No, not TUI. Trui. You don’t need to know the ins and outs, and you are probably not interested anyway, but there may be some painful truths coming out of the Trui troubles. Painful, that is, for the town hall, the Unió Mallorquina party (yep, them again) and ex-mayor Miguel Ferrer, himself a leading figure in the UM.

To cut to the chase, as reported in “The Diario”, anti-corruption prosecutors suspect that money from the town hall was used to fund the UM’s electoral campaign in 2007. Fingered in all this – potentially – are Ferrer, who was mayor at the time, and his right-hand man, Francesc Cladera, who – it is being alleged – could have arranged for payments, in black, from the town hall’s coffers.

Coming on the back of the opposition Partido Popular’s desire to re-open the case into alleged irregularities in respect of the Can Ramis building, things have suddenly become murky in what had been, so we had thought, the clearer waters of Alcúdia politics.

And while on the subject of water, and moving on from yesterday’s swimming pool fiasco, the annual mischief in Can Picafort duly resulted in a few live ducks going for a dip in the sea during the duck toss on Sunday. Did we ever expect that they wouldn’t?

The local press found both residents and the head of fiestas “surprised” by the level of police vigilance for the event. Not sure they should have been surprised. The naughty boys have been extracting the Miguel for a few years now, and the Guardia seemed determined to prevent any more Carry On Quacking. The police presence was at a level, so it was said, for the royal family putting in an appearance. Helicopters, a sub-aqua team plus the beachside patrols. And still they let some ducks go.

It is all utterly ridiculous. The event has always been ridiculous, but the ban was and is ridiculous, as is what has replaced it, i.e. rubber ducks. The thumbing of noses to authority is ridiculous, but so is the response. What can we expect next year? Submarines rather than a sub-aqua crew? Might be right given that subs used to launch dummy torpedoes at the towers on the beach, such as the one in Can Pic on which the naughties had graffiti-ed a “pope”, announcing their intention to flout the duck law again. Maybe they should just ban the whole thing. Or stage it in a swimming pool instead. Assuming one can be found that’s not been closed.

I asked a born-and-bred Can Picafort resident whether he would be attending the “suelta”. No, he said. He used to, and used to be one of those who swam after the live ducks. But what was the point now? He’s right. There is no point. It’s plain daft, but it always was plain daft, which is why of course it should continue.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Aw Phooey: Duck nonsense in Can Picafort

The decks of Carl Cox quietened, the people of Can Picafort can return to more traditional fiesta matters, namely ducks. A week from today the annual duck liberation will take place. The duck liberation front (DLF) is on the move once more. It wishes to liberate real ducks and not stupid rubber ones, to have swimmers pursue a quacking, flapping Donald and not a mute bath-time bobber.

Although the ban on live ducks is ridiculous, and it is when it is placed in the context of the treatment of other animals, the pro-duck lobby is equally as ridiculous: in its sheer pretentiousness and self-importance. It argues in favour of a tradition, but the tradition itself is pretty stupid: toss some ducks into the water and then see who can be the first to catch them. All a bit of fun but ultimately pointless.

The DLF, and I’ve made this up by the way, has issued a video as part of a warning that live ducks will feature once more this year. For sheer pomposity, it takes some beating.

The duck tossing goes back some 75 years. Quite why it ever came about, who knows. It was officially banned in 1999, but it took fines issued against Santa Margalida town hall for the ban to complied with. These came from the agriculture ministry. One fancies that the town hall has never quite accepted the ban. That it sanctioned the fiesta poster in 2008 which featured children with Power Rangers masks (as worn by the DLF when letting live ducks go the year before) suggested either just a streak of humour or a sympathy with the DLF cause.

What can be sure is that this year there will be more security and more scrutiny of what happens on the sea in front of the hotel Mar y Paz. And what can also be sure is that there will be huge numbers who turn up in the anticipation of the ban being flouted once more. It’s now become a game, a new tradition as much as the one of chucking ducks into the sea.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

A Load Of Cox: Why event tourism marketing is wrong

There will have been some weary souls wending their way from Can Picafort this morning. Dawn will have dawned before the decks were put to sleep. Decks and not ducks, for once during the Can Picafort fiestas.

The Carl Cox extravaganza was far from being the first time the DJ had played Can Pic. But the buzz that it created suggested that it could have been. The buzz was perceptible. Cox got people talking in a way that the fiestas rarely get people talking. Partly this was because of rarity value. A question should be – why is it so rare? So rare for international performers to head north, to the north of Mallorca.

The tourism ministry’s teaming-up with the promoters to push the Elton John-Andrea Bocelli event in Palma spoke volumes. Spoke volumes for Palma and southern-Mallorca-centricity. Spoke volumes for the fact that if the event cannot be sold out, it might indicate that Mallorca cannot stage a big gig. Spoke volumes for something “safe”, something not so much middle-of-the-road but lurching along in the slow lane or coming to a halt on the hard shoulder. And no one has been speaking in loud volume about the event. It has no buzz factor. Carl Cox, on the other hand … .

A justification for the belated promotion of the Elton John show is that apparently tour operators have been calling for events around which they can mould packages. It’s a reasonable enough point, but it ignores the fact that there are “events” which can, or could, form the focus of packages. It also ignores the fact that whatever tourists might be attracted will end up in or around Palma.

What it also ignores is an underlying cynical aspect to such events. Ancient “stars” and the punter will roll up, hopefully coughing up three figures for something that presents Mallorca as a venue for the old hat. The island needs none of this. It needs to project freshness, newness. Tourism and event tourism is going down an antiquated drain inhabited, down, down, deeper and down by other geriatrics – Status Quo, for example.

The tourist market is anything but homogeneous, but this is largely how it is conceived by those who should know better, namely those charged with tourism promotion. It is straight-line thinking. Elton may not conform to all definitions of straight, and a current push for the pink tourist may suggest a broader appreciation of diverse markets, but there remains a lack of innovation and niching when it comes to an appreciation of lifestyle and age-group demographics as well as a lack of “branding ” for individual resorts or areas. Segmentation is performed on national and geographic lines – Brits, Germans etc. – rather than on personal motivation.

Carl Cox is not leading-edge in the dance world, but he’s as close as it comes in Mallorcan terms. He is also a “name”, one that should be shouted very loudly in connection with Can Picafort. There is no reason why a youthful market cannot co-exist alongside the generic family market: witness Magaluf, for example, with which, through BCM, Cox has been closely associated.

All the resorts (and their towns) lend themselves to specific marketing, that which goes beyond the normal and bland. Pollensa and Puerto Pollensa, for example, should be by-words for high sophistication and culture, as evidenced by the Pollensa Music Festival. But it should be a music festival of “real” international importance, as should other events. Can Picafort should be a by-word for dance, for a more youthful market. Don’t stop at one event – Cox at the Auba. Do it through the season.

You’ll say, ah but they can’t afford it. Up to a point, they can’t, but there are cover charges for the likes of the music festival and Carl Cox and, as importantly, there is the colossal squandering of money that goes on. Santa Margalida town hall, as with Pollensa town hall, should not have to underwrite its events. It should be done centrally, and when you have the tourism promotion agency in the Balearics (IBATUR) currently under investigation for – get this – forty million euros of questionable spend, you can understand the amount of money that sloshes around and ends up in the wrong pockets that could be used to create highly dynamic, local events and highly dynamic, local marketing.

But they won’t, because rather than bolstering the resorts, the spend will end up in Palma and on the crocodile rock of Elton. I don’t dislike Elton, I don’t dislike Andrea Bocelli, but I couldn’t care less about either of them appearing in Palma. Carl Cox on the other hand …

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

All Being Well: Bienestar Activo on the bay of Alcúdia

The central and regional governments and the three combined municipalities of Alcúdia, Muro and Santa Margalida are due to chip in a third each of a 4.5 million euro budget over four years that will go towards making the northern tourism zone of Mallorca one of “bienestar activo” (active well-being). It is an “ambitious plan”, says Alcúdia’s mayor Llompart. Ambitious possibly, but what on earth is it?

This is a strategic plan conjured up by the three town halls and the local hotel associations to add some dynamism to tourism, especially that in the off-season. The budget is to be spent on planning, organisation and management; on resources and tourist services; on improving competitiveness and on marketing. Good. Still not clear what it is though.

The answer lies with trekking, Nordic walking and cycling. Stifle a yawn in the back row there. Not exactly anything new. Cycling we know all about; Alcúdia and Can Picafort have had their own Nordic walking “routes” for some while; trekking is an old past-time. To these can be added canoeing, which is meant to be taking place on the Lago Esperanza.

The hotel associations on the bay of Alcúdia have been keen to promote the sporting nature of the area and did so recently when the tourism minister was in town. But one had the impression that they were implying something rather more dynamic. Do existing tourist “attractions” fall into this category? It’s hard to get excited.

There is, unfortunately, something rather lame about the spin behind this, for instance that devoted to the benefits to businesses other than hotels. Cyclists will go to bars or restaurants or have a massage, it is said. Well, yes, some will go to bars and restaurants;  as they already do. Not that everyone locally would say that cyclists bring in much by way of income to bars (a sometimes false impression, it should be said). As for the odd massage, well that should really get the local economy buzzing.

The “bienestar activo” initiative may well be worthy, even if it is a repackaging of what already exists. But we have been here before with initiatives. Muro town hall made much of a revamping of its “promotion”. Has it had much of an impact? Then there was that “estación naútica” concept that was meant to brand Alcúdia as a quality watersports centre. Never heard anything more about that.

Diversifying the tourism offer is laudable, but this is not new diversification. Relying on the natural environment or current infrastructure, which trekking, cycling, Nordic walking and canoeing all do, means that it is possible to try and make more out of very little investment. Seems fair enough. But maybe this is the problem. It is cheap to promote what is already there, even at 4.5 million, and is therefore easy to avoid attempting something rather more dramatic. What seems to be missing, in the reports at any rate, is any indication as to how many more tourists this will all bring in; how many more hotels might actually be open in the off-season.

And there is something else that seems to be missing. Among all this sporting “diversification” there is no mention of one particular sport. Golf. Why not? Maybe it’s not considered to be part of well-being.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

A Load Of Bull (Ducks And Parties): Fiesta peculiarities

The power of Facebook. Possibly.

Some weeks after one Facebook group in Can Picafort emerged, comes another. The first was concerned with what used to be the “Auba” party that took place on the beach, but which was moved to the sports centre three years ago. The second has to do with another tradition that used to occur during the Can Picafort summer fiesta – the tossing of live ducks into the sea. Both groups want a return to the traditions.

In the case of the second Facebook group, anyone joining it should be slightly wary. The miscreants who have released live ducks, in defiance of the ban these past three years, have never been identified. The police are likely to be taking an interest in this group. As for the first group, this might also attract some attention from the forces of the law; an unofficial party in the dunes is being talked about.

While the aims of the two groups are different, there might well be common cause: the night party and the live ducks were the soul of the fiestas in Can Picafort. The move to the sports centre has done much to strip the party of its atmosphere, while the rubber duck substitutes are just plain daft. There is another aspect to be taken account of where the party is concerned, and that is money. It is doubtful that the organisers could stretch to a Carl Cox again in the current circumstances. But this shouldn’t necessarily be an obstacle to what once was the biggest and most anticipated of the fiesta parties. If Puerto Pollensa – Puerto Pollensa, for God’s sake – can have a party on the beach, why shouldn’t Can Picafort?

The Facebook group promoting the return of the live ducks makes precisely the point that I have – here and in HOT! – that by comparison with genuine acts of cruelty to animals, the release of ducks is not in the same league. It isn’t really in a league at all. The ducks were a soft target; unlike bulls and all the passion that they arouse on both sides of the argument. Bull traditions, in particular the bullfight, are far more deep-rooted in Mallorcan and Spanish society than those involving ducks, and one might also argue that they are not without Francoist connotations. El Caudillo was greatly in favour of the bullfight, given its “Spanishness” and suggestions of nobility.

The annual bullfight during Muro’s Sant Joan fiestas, due to be staged on 20 June, had looked as though it might not go ahead, owing to the need for certain improvements to be made to the bullring and its facilities. These have been made. The town hall, in addition to the nearly half a million euros it paid to acquire the bullring, has forked out a further 30 grand to effect the improvements, using, it says, money that was held over from last year. The equivalent of the RSPCA is none too impressed with the town hall. It has been denounced to the ministry of the interior on the grounds that it has, in effect, financially supported the bullfight, which seemingly is in contravention of a law that disbars it from doing so. The society has also made reference to the demonstration against the bullfight that occurred last year.

The bullfight will go ahead. Even before final sign-off, due to be given today by technicians, doctors and vets, the programme for the fiestas had been published, with the bullfight and the matadors listed. Meanwhile fiesta organisers in Can Picafort will be arranging the acquisition of rubber ducks.

Something isn’t quite right.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Happy Together? Hotel occupancy Alcúdia and Can Picafort

Following on from the mention of low occupancy in Puerto Alcudia on 8 June, some firmer figures, not just those for one establishment. The combined Alcúdia and Can Picafort hotel association reports (from “The Diario”) rates similar to last year. Currently, occupancy stands at 57% in Alcúdia and 58% in Can Picafort. Not very high in other words. The forecast for July puts the numbers at 78% in Alcúdia and 72% in Can Picafort. For July, these aren’t particularly impressive; indeed, they are distinctly unimpressive.

Leading lights in the association gathered for a chinwag a couple of days ago. The report from “The Diario” included a photo, featuring, among others, Juan from the Sol Alcúdia Center and Ricardo from the Siesta 1 Apartments. They looked happy enough for the camera. Not so sure that they really are.

The association approves of the regional government’s attempts to attract new markets, but reckons that the push on the Russian front is unlikely to bear much fruit in either of the resorts, as the Russian market, mainly high worth, prefers four or five-star accommodation. Which does, I suppose, beg a question as to the standard, overall, of hotels in the resorts. Not, however, that there aren’t four-star hotels. Relatively greater numbers of four stars and indeed two five stars are, however, in Playa de Muro. Not for the first time, I wonder why Playa de Muro hasn’t combined with the associations in Alcúdia and Can Picafort, especially as Playa de Muro sits between the two other resorts. Or maybe this Russian thing gives the game away. Muro wants Russian. It already has it, and yes, they, the Russians, do go to five-star hotels.

In an attempt to drum up more business, the association has invited representatives of 25 tour operators to come along for some gentle persuasion on Friday. It will, apparently, be highlighting such wonders as the improvements to the beach in Alcúdia and the restoration of dunes, and then following it all up with a meal at Son Real, just outside Can Picafort. God, they know how to win and influence tour operators. Here are some new showers on the beach, here are some dunes with some walkways, here is a nature area where no one much goes to. I don’t think we should be holding our breath. But hats off, nonetheless; at least the association is trying. Or is it desperate?

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

The Day The Music Died: Puerto Pollensa and live music

On Sunday, the press was reporting on issues with bar noise in Puerto Pollensa. The reports had to do primarily with one particular bar and with the fact that music was going on till the wee small hours. This was the main aspect of the reports, but when I read them – the Spanish as well in order to check that “The Bulletin” hadn’t got it wrong – there was a piece at the end which struck me as being far more important. The mayor, it was reported, said that there could be no live music in bars in Pollensa. Can’t be right, I thought. Then, on Sunday night, plod did the rounds. At least one bar was told that they had to “see the mayor”.

Apparently it has never been the case that there could be live music. Seemingly, it’s one of those things that has just gone on. But to prevent it would be complete madness. There is a huge difference between live music that stops by or before midnight and a club or disco that goes on till four, five or six in the morning. Live music should be a feature of a thriving tourism resort, but one wonders, as ever, whether the town halls and others actually want this – thriving tourism. Noise is a facet of tourism resorts. It can be moderated, but it can’t be eliminated; nor should it be.

But how far does this apparent prohibition extend? The hotels with their entertainment, the church with its occasional concerts, the golf club with its proposed China Crisis concert? What about the music in the old Tango? The jazz sessions in the old Fat Cats? Under this “rule”, they should never have been happening. It would be utterly unfair if different rules were to apply, or in fact if one rule were to apply – that of no live music. It’s absurd.

Chances are that the town hall will see sense. Oh, what am I saying? But you can but hope. This isn’t necessarily an attack on Puerto Pollensa, as clearly this so-called rule applies everywhere. The bars in Pollensa town would also be affected. Nevertheless, it is indicative of a town hall that has a thorough lack of appreciation of tourism and of evening/nightlife in the port and the town. To all the other moans of the protest on Wednesday can be added another – the killjoys of the town hall. But you wonder if this move isn’t somehow coincidental. It might be construed as driving a wedge between factions in the port, those who do want and those who don’t want music and some noise. The town hall can say that it is “doing something”, unrelated to the items of the protest manifesto, but can attempt to take the higher ground. Whatever the motives, it sucks. Sucks big time.

HOT! Online
For anyone who might have been following my trials and tribulations, there is a version of HOT! that can be seen in its entirety on the net. Go to the home page of http://www.thealcudiaguide.com and you’ll see the banner to the right for HOT! Click on it and the PDF will download. Depending on your broadband speed, it might take a bit longer than in just an instant. The resolution is not the highest because this version had to be reduced drastically in size, but it’s ok. Oh, and I know that the ad for El Limón (page 17) has slipped down the page.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Soft Toilet Paper: Gay hotels

In the Comic Strip’s brilliant pastiche of spaghetti Westerns, “A Fistful Of Travellers’ Cheques”, the proprietor of Hotel Bastardos, Keith Allen, informs his gun-toting guests, Rik Mayall and Peter Richardson, that if they “want de soft-a toilet paper” they should “go to Hotel Gay Boy”. Back in the eighties when this was made, the likelihood of there being a hotel gay boy in non-urban Spain was probably very low. It isn’t much higher nowadays, in Mallorca at any rate. A hotel bastardos on the other hand … .

Mallorca has never seemed, to me, to rank particularly highly as a sun-holiday destination for gay people. Certainly not by comparison with Ibiza or Gran Canaria. Away from Palma, there are few by way of specifically gay venues. A bar did start up in Can Picafort in the autumn of 2008. It may still be there, but there is no obvious information about it. In Palma there are clubs and saunas, but the image of gay life in the capital took a bit of a knock as a result of the scandal involving a Palma councillor and rent boys. Otherwise you tend to be unaware of there being much of a gay scene.

This though may be changing. A report in yesterday’s “Diario” profiles the first hotel in Mallorca which is specifically aimed at a gay and lesbian sun-and-beach market. It is in Playa de Palma and is called Pegasus. Aptly perhaps. The Spanish tourism ministry wants to let fly the winged horse of gay and lesbian tourism. Spain, and presumably therefore Mallorca, should be a leader in this niche, it believes. The fact that the pink pound or euro is worth approximately 50% more than straight wonga might have something to do with this, while the government is keen to cash in – as it were – on the new liberalism of Spain towards homosexuality.

Mallorca is essentially a “family” destination. Its resorts can be described similarly. But the description can appear to exclude other “markets” – single people, couples, senior citizens, gay people. The family is hugely important, but it is not the only market. It is right that provision is shifting in different directions. Nevertheless, some of the information for the gay market is curious. Google “gay Mallorca” and one website lists resorts, such as Alcúdia. Click on this and one is given a profile of a family resort. Hardly talking to the market, you might think.

However, and as the article from the “Diario” makes clear, the gay market is far from being uniform. There may be gay “uniforms”, but not all gay people wear them. Far from it. I have gay friends who wouldn’t be seen dead in a leather bar or as an extra in Frankie’s “Relax”. And so it is with the resorts. I would imagine that Puerto Pollensa would be an attractive destination for some gay people. Puerto Alcúdia, I’m not so sure, but Can Picafort possibly. The rustic beach between Playa de Muro and Can Pic has long had a reputation both as a nudist beach and as a gay beach, though whether it still is as it once was might be questionable. The roping-off of the dunes seemed to serve more than just the purpose of preserving the breeding grounds of certain birds and the fragility of the eco-system. But this implication would be to fall into the trap of stereotyping, and the gay market is far too diverse to justify this.

Mallorca has some way to go, but there is no reason why “markets” cannot flourish alongside each other. Years ago, around the time of the Comic Strip’s pastiche, I was in Amsterdam, in a café. There were families, couples, children. Just another café. But I became aware of the leather men, the clones. I asked the waiter. Yes, it was, first and foremostly, a gay café. It didn’t matter. And it doesn’t matter.

“A Fistful of Travellers’ Cheques”. Watch it, if you haven’t …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGuU79DJAtk

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Our House – Someone’s Living In Our House

In Can Picafort there is an old house. It has been there for fifty years. It was one of the first “new ones” to be built, before the hotels came, along with the bars and even roads. It belongs to a family who can’t agree what to do with it. No one has lived there for some twenty years. At least, that’s what was thought.

The house has not been completely abandoned, just that it’s not habitable – or so it was thought. There are no utilities, that’s for certain; no electricity, no water. Someone had been given permission, for some reason, to store certain things in the garden. That was … how long ago? Then someone else said, not so long ago, that there was a person living in the house. This someone is a little crazy, people say. He is, but he doesn’t imagine things. He had spoken to this person, he had been inside the house, this house that belongs to his family, to this family who can’t agree and mainly don’t speak to each other. He, this someone who is a little crazy, had gone with the key, the key to the front door. It didn’t work, he said. That’s impossible, others thought. So these others went themselves, some time later. They had not been to the house for … how long could it have been?

The key didn’t work. He had been right. They looked around, tried to see inside, and then he appeared. Another he, a little crazy maybe. The alcohol on his breath could be smelt. Who are you? They asked of each other. We are the owners, some of them, they said. What are you doing here? I live here, he said. Live here!? That’s not possible. Yes. For how long …? Ah yes, he remembered. Six years it had been. Six years he had been living in this house. But how, they asked. He had been allowed to. By whom? By the man with the key, the one with the stuff in the house. The man with the key? Who is he? A man, the one who puts the stuff in the house.

They went inside. They could only just get in. There was furniture and junk everywhere. Piled as high as the ceiling. He lived upstairs. He didn’t want to show them. They didn’t really want to see. But there is no water, no electricity. It’s ok, he said. I have friends where I can wash. And in the mornings I take a coffee and go to the toilet, and then again in the evenings. Where are you from? Not from here. He wasn’t. He was from another country, from their country. He has been in Mallorca for how long? Fifteen, sixteen years perhaps. But in this house for six. He cannot go, go back, well not unless he gets some sort of papers. No passport, no anything. He is from nowhere now, except this house. He can work, yes, he does work, now and then, but only nearby. No car, no bike. The bike is no good when it rains, he says. Before, years ago. How long ago? Years ago, he worked elsewhere. In Alcúdia. That’s impossible now.

Are you selling the house? No. We can’t. No one can agree, not everyone speaks to each other. What do you want of me? Nothing. Not of you. It’s ok. You can stay here. In this house. Ok. Then he remembered some more. The lady, he said, the lady who is one of the owners. Which lady? He couldn’t really recall her, but she had been there with a man and she had this car, it was distinctive, yes he could remember the car well. But she never said anything to us. She knew you were living here? Yes.

They left, left behind the man in their house, the man who had lived there for six years. Did she ever tell you about the man in the house? Me? No, never. She spoke about the house quite often, but never said anything about someone living there, only that it was in a poor state now, only that none of you could agree as to what to do with it. Does it matter though? He lives there, he stops the house being taken over by kids having a party or something. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing. Maybe. But, even so, how can someone live in that way? And how has our house come to be like this? When we think of how it was, our summer home from those years ago. How long ago?