Mister White: Residents’ travel discounts

“Fomento”. Its literal translation is “promotion”, to mean development. English suggests the verb foment, to stir up, as in to stir up trouble or dissent. There is a minister for “fomento”, a minister for stirring up brown stuff. It’s not totally inaccurate; the Spanish verb “fomentar” can mean the same as the English.

The central government’s fomento minister, José Blanco, knows a thing or two about promotion, promoting dissent. Who’s behind the possible removal of Balearic residents’ travel discounts? Mr. White. The one who, some on the extreme dissent spectrum might hope, is with Mr. Orange as the police arrive. You don’t go around implying that Mallorcans are like thieves for taking advantage of discounted flights that you claim are not necessary without expecting some negative response.

Blanco has the misfortune in heralding from about as far as you can get in mainland Spain from Mallorca – Galicia. Cue an outburst of peculiarly Mallorcan xenophobia: Blanco’s a Galician, hence he’s got it in for Mallorca. It’s rubbish, but Blanco’s insinuations hardly win him friends.

Just one of the beefs with the proposed elimination of the travel discount is that air travel from Mallorca to other parts of Spain is expensive as it is. Sr. Blanco might reflect on the fact that were he to fancy an overnight break in Barcelona this coming weekend, the cost of a far longer flight by Vueling from A Coruña in his native Galicia would be, proportionally, far cheaper than one to Barcelona from Palma with the same airline: 14 kilometres for every euro from Galicia, as opposed to six per euro from Palma.

On the face of it, the higher prices of air travel don’t make much sense when one considers the fact that the Son Sant Joan airport in Palma is the third busiest in Spain. But there’s a take on these prices. It comes from Pepa Mari, the tourism councillor at the Council of Ibiza. In an interview with Ibiza-Blog.com last November she said: “It looks as if the 50 per cent residents’ discount is preventing the airlines and ferry services from introducing more attractive prices for non-residents. So the system of subsidies needs to be revised.”

The interview was in the context of an appraisal of Ibiza’s tourism situation at the end of the last summer season, but an implication of what she was saying is that prices are inflated in the knowledge that many travellers, if by no means all, can enjoy a discount. In other words, it is the airlines cashing in on central government’s subsidies, not Mallorcans taking unnecessary flights to the mainland.

Another beef with Sr. Blanco and Madrid goes deeper than just the discounts. It has to do with the management of the airport. In January it was being said that “all conditions” had been met which would allow local management of Son Sant Joan. But no time frame has been decided upon to tip the pot of gold the airport generates into local hands and not those, via the airports agency AENA, of central government in the form of the department which effectively acts as the airport’s holding company – Sr. Blanco’s. Local management has long been an ambition of Mallorca’s politicians, and the income it would create might offset a further beef – the apparent under-investment in the islands by Madrid. And which department is responsible for overseeing infrastructure developments?

President Antich is opposed to the removal of the discounts, just as he is in favour of management of the airport and greater funding. He also has an election looming. The discounts row has come at a good time for the president, his local PSOE socialist party having indicated that it is distancing itself from the Zapatero PSOE administration in Madrid. Blanco and his subsidies are a convenient peg on which to hang a manifesto.

Despite his being demonised, Blanco may have a point; it’s just that the point he is making is the wrong one. Rather than styling the removal of subsidies as cost-cutting, it should be seen as potentially market-driven and as the abandonment of something of an anachronism. The discounts date back to a law of 1962. Mallorca was very different then, and so was the airline industry.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

And Your Bra And Panties: Fiesta traditions

Cut along to your local fiesta and the last thing you might expect is to be presented with a group of “lads” proudly waving their prosthetic erections around. Depends what type of fiesta you go to though, I suppose. If traditional Mallorcan, then the only big knobs would normally be the local dignitaries as they make their entrances for the fiesta climax. But then how many years count as traditional? In Bunyola, there is a modern fiesta tradition. Come in your underwear, as in attend in your smalls, unless you’re the boys with a woody strap-on and you invite the double entendre.

For six years, the Saint Matt fiesta in the town has featured a parade of “ropa interior” – that’s bras and pants to you and me. The flaunting of the nearly nude is lubricated by free beer. Bread and circuses. It’s an old trick, one I learnt at university: anaethetise the college population with regular and copious, gratis Boddies and Thwaites and they’ll be bound to return you at the next elections. Give ’em enough and they’ll do anything, like the lads during Bunyola’s Friday parade or the lasses concealing their modesty with multi-coloured bouncy baubles.

This is a splendid new tradition. Not for the fact of bare flesh – you can cop an eyeful enough of that on your nearest beach – but because it is not the same. Not the same as all the other fiestas. Want to know what’s going to be happening at this year’s fiesta? Easy. Look at last year’s programme, or the one from the year before. All you need do is change the dates, and with some fiestas you don’t even need to do that. Alternatively you can simply look at the fiesta schedule from a different town: pipers a-piping; giants a-dancing; balls-de-botting. Yep, they’ll all be there.

There is much to be said for continuity and for the headlining fiesta events that drag in the crowds – be they Moors and Christians having a bundle, the Beata procession of Santa Margalida or the grape fight of Binissalem’s Vermar. The year-on-year familiarity of the fiestas can be reassuring in the same way as it is if you go to a different type of party and find that you know everyone. The only trouble is that you end up telling the same jokes, having the same arguments and disappearing behind the shed with the same adulterous missus.

The formulaic introspection of fiesta and the maintenance of tradition are increasingly the source of anxiety as the forces of the generation gap square up to each other in the market or church square. Not completely. There remain the honour and pride of, for instance, being selected as La Beata or as “vermadors” and “vermadores”, but the good burghers of the Mallorcan towns are shaking their heads at what they see as a threat to the fiesta tradition – one that comes from the very breaking with tradition.

The night parties of the fiestas are, in their current incarnation, relatively new traditions. But so much concern do they now arouse that you have a town hall such as Sa Pobla scrapping the Districte 54. Partly this was for financial reasons, or so they said; the more pressing reason was the mess and noise. Sa Pobla is not the only town hall which worries for the future of fiestas if the young treat them merely as excuses for massive piss-ups. In Pollensa, much as the town hall tried to limit alcohol in the fiesta centre for the Patrona parties and to ask kindly that the squares and streets weren’t used as lavatories, the ambience was awash with less of the romanticism than the brochures might have you believe.

In Sa Pobla this year the fiesta programme was one that could be enjoyed by those of all ages. That was what the town hall reckoned. But was it? Having unleashed the genie of the night parties, it is hard for the town halls to put them back in the bottle without some resentment. Moreover, there must be the temptation to retrench further into the past and into long-established tradition, thus provoking a greater distance between the generations.

In Bunyola the undies parade is for all generations. It is an example of tradition invigoration that is positive in both its harmlessness and its profound silliness, one that is different and at the same time respectful of the population as a whole; well, maybe the mock stiffies might not be. Perhaps, though, too much is made of the night parties and the apparent rejection of tradition by the young. There is another tradition – quite a bit older than Bunyola’s. It is the Fornalutx “correbou”. If you had spent some time looking at images of the reaction to the recent protest in the village against the bull run, you might have been surprised, shocked even. The reactionaries were predominantly the young. It doesn’t add up. The young are meant to reject tradition.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

A Gentle Touch Of Colic: Senses working overtime

“All I could hear was the strange hum that hovered behind every other sound throughout that summer.”Tim Pears, “In The Place Of Fallen Leaves”.

What are the sounds of summer? The bass from a system pulsating across vast acres of Mallorcan land as the local fiesta turns its back on tradition and admits DJ Headcase and a legion of party-goers, tanked up from the botellón. The Canadair growling low as it transports its Mediterranean payload towards smoking finca land that some fire-starter has thoughtfully taken a cigarette end to. Joni Mitchell’s hissing of summer lawns, gyrating tops and spikes of water thrown around erratically and splattering the persianas. The enthusiastic keep-fitter on morning reveille duty, bellowing across a hotel pool and coaxing lard buckets with hangovers into movements more suited to the Rocky Horror Show.

But there, in the background, is the hum. In summer you can only detect it when the general silence briefly descends, usually at eight minutes past five in the morning. Earlier or later, and you’ll miss it, thanks to the almost constant whoosh and splutter of coaches, motos or autos on what is the most densely populated part of Europe when it comes to car ownership. The power station hum. It’s always there, as ominous as the chimney that rises above the nature park of Albufera.

The sounds of Mallorca are part of the sensory overload that the island lovingly bestows. What are the smells of summer? A grill wafting succulently and charcoaled as evening evaporates into night, the unexpected fragrance like vanilla from an unidentified plant, the sulphuric combustion of marsh gas and the insidious stench of sewage. The latter is at its most extreme when Colis comes a-calling: the drain-unblocking people who can inspire a stomach-churning or cramping retch.

But strangely you become inured to malodorousness. You don’t exactly crave it but you are reassured by its mysterious presence, the unseen force of a primeval chemical reaction, albeit one sometimes influenced artificially or orificially. The bad smells form a nasal entertainment; they are their own tribute acts to an ecological and semi-ecological world that created the island in the first place and its second, industrialised and urbanised life.

A bit of a pong is not to be sniffed at. It’s a reminder that not everything is or should be sanitised. Mallorca doesn’t deserve to be sterilised, scrubbed and sealed hermetically. Its very imperfections are what give rise to its perfections or near-perfections, those revealed through the other senses – the sight through the transparent light of Pollensa that inspired the local post-impressionists; the radiance of white, rose or russet-bracted bougainvillaea but with its duplicitous enticement to touch the shock of its thorns; the ambrosial taste of a fig during its all too brief harvesting period.

The sights, sounds and other senses of Mallorca are too easily defined in terms of the superficiality of brochure-style beautifulness, but they ignore what can be a natural or part-natural, maleficent intoxication – that of the Mallorca that isn’t quite right, an environmental quirkiness that should be bottled, if only anyone could stomach the Colical, great smell of sewage. And then there’s that hum. The power station’s isn’t actually the only one. From Albufera, if you listen carefully when the traffic abates, you can hear a regular murmur in the darkness beyond the puff monsters of pines silhouetted against the distant lights of Muro and Sa Pobla. It’s always there, just as the smells are always there.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

It’ll Be Lonely This Christmas Without Andy Murray

Sports commentators have developed a style of expressiveness which, at moments of triumph, combines a knowing tone of we-knew-it-would-happen-didn’t-we with a precision of stating each word as though followed by an imaginary full stop. We might describe this inflection as “doing a Motson”, after its earliest known exponent. Dan Maskell would never have intoned thus. The only way we knew Dan was still with us was when he would stir from his slumberous drone with a suddenly animated “ooh, I say” with which to startle awake his television audience. Sports commentary of the current day has, by contrast and thanks to Sky, Five Live and talkSPORT, added hypomania to the Motsonic glottal stop. And so it was the other day. On a whooping Five Live. “Rafael. Nadal. From. Manacor. In. Mallorca.”

The words had a strange effect on me, one of a sense of territorial superiority. It was the specific mention of Manacor that emphasised it. I know that place, thought I, even if my acquaintance with the town is limited to sitting in a rush-hour traffic-jam. Nadal has gone from being from Spain, to being from Mallorca, to being from Manacor. It is no longer sufficient for commentators to refer just to the island. Nadal’s celebrity has made him über-Mallorcan. The detail of his Mallorcan-ness grows with his every Open championship; at the Australian we can expect to learn the names of all his neighbours. Dan would never have stood for this. He wouldn’t, for example, have let on that Roy Emerson came from Blackbutt, which was probably just as well.

Nadal is famous not just for coming from Mallorca but also for being the only famous Mallorcan ever. There are others who have had fame thrust upon them, but they are famous for not being famous, like the Catalan author and polymath Ramon Llull. No, Nadal is that famous that he has become Mallorca, or is it the other way round. And he is one of us. Which of course he isn’t, if you happen to be British. But Nadal has been adopted because of the alternative – the Scottish Player, one forever cursed by monotonic moroseness and by slipping up in the third round, so it is best not to mention his name in order to avoid the bad luck that doing so would bring.

One of Nadal’s virtues lies with his being perceived as “a nice boy”, something to which the Scottish Player would find it hard to aspire. It is this, together with the fact that he is the only Mallorcan anyone has ever heard of, that secures him gigs as the face and chest of Mallorcan (Balearic) promotion. And Nadal has just won his first US Open. Now might be the time for a bit of Mallorcan marketing stateside. The only problem is that tourism chiefs are spending their time either about to go into prison or in China, enticing a breed of Chinese tourist with promises of cheap bazars on every Mallorcan high street. That’s not the only problem.

Sadly, despite Nadal’s celebrity, tourism promotion involving him has been a complete disaster. Admittedly, it doesn’t help having an uncle/trainer who slags off Parisians as being “really stupid” when you’ve forked out 400 grands worth of promotional budget to target the French market – as was the case during last year’s French Open. And it also doesn’t help when the director of Spanish tourism in Paris agrees with Uncle Toni. A tourettic momentary lapse of diplomacy perhaps, but it was symptomatic of the Nadal nadir of Mallorcan tourism marketing.

What else, with hindsight though, could you have expected? We now know, courtesy of testimonies before the judge in the corruption case involving the tourism promotion agency (IBATUR), that there was such uncontrolled and unmanaged profligacy at the agency that it doubled the money for the French campaign in providing for a museum of tourism that never came about, while it is alleged that the agency was never subject to proper financial governance. If the agency was capable of playing fast and loose with public money, which it was, it was equally capable of being incompetent when it came to doing what it was meant to do – marketing. Nadal should seek to distance himself from any association, however indirect, with the agency’s cowboys and their legacy.

But Bon Nadal, good old Mr. Christmas, will probably find himself still featuring in ads on some obscure channel at two in the morning, just after an equally obscure sports commentator has finished his Motson at the end of an under-19 handball event from the Ukraine. And come Christmas, as the holiday ads start to kick in, he’ll still be there, floating somewhere in satellite land. But at least he will be there, unlike the Scottish Player; you wouldn’t even get him as the face of a wet week in the Highlands and Islands. It’ll be lonely this Christmas without … Don’t say it, just don’t say it.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

The Charm Offence: Sóller and resort development

When you’re about to spend the best part of two and a half million euros on a construction project, you might hope that someone had first checked that the whole thing wouldn’t collapse or be inundated with water. What am I saying? The recent history of great Mallorcan civil engineering success stories is awash with water. The Palma Metro for example.

Along now comes another rail fiasco which we can all rail against. “The tram now standing at platform …” Sorry, there is no platform. As also there are no proper foundations, other than sand, or adequate drainage. As for the tram, well you can forget that anyway, as they’ve forgotten about the supports for the power cables. Oh, and that bike lane, the one that would have been vital because the tramline had been knackered … .? Nope, they haven’t remembered that either.

Work on the re-development of the paseo marítimo in Port de Sóller, tram and all, is due to start in October. Somewhat belatedly, the technical chaps have had a peek at the plans. What plans, you might ask. There are “deficiencies”, they say. Just ever so slightly there are. One of the companies contracted to undertake the work states on its website: “development is a reality”. As far as Sóller is concerned, that should read, “will be” – with any luck. When though is another matter.

The Sóller promenade development can be viewed in a wider context than just the apparent deficiencies with the project. Bar and restaurant owners in the resort are none too impressed with the scheme. Ditto the on-off and now maybe on again re-development of Puerto Pollensa’s frontline. Pedestrianisation may seem like a way of beautifying Mallorca’s resorts, but strange to report there are plenty of people who would disagree.

An editorial in “The Bulletin” referred to a loss of charm, the consequence of resort developments. One aspect of this charm is that some tourists quite enjoy the bustle that having a road right next to a bar or restaurant can create. So too the owners. It may seem odd to wish to breathe in the fumes of a bus that has mysteriously passed its MOT, but who am I to question what anyone finds charming?

Some years ago Puerto Alcúdia’s prom was pedestrianised. What was created was a spacious strolling boulevard, wide enough to house the capricious folly of a bridge that goes nowhere, an Escher-like impossible reality. The development wasn’t a reality in Alcúdia, it was surrealistic, while the spaciousness is not to everyone’s liking; visitors still talk of that “bustle” and charm which existed previously. There will probably be those who reject the Playa de Palma re-development on the same grounds, though how somewhere lacking charm can lose it is a moot point.

Playa de Palma, though, is a specific case, one in which there is now a collision between civil engineers, town planners and architects like no other resort. This was where the architectural vandals once scaled the ramparts and sacked the place before anyone was any the wiser. What comes now is important. The New Turkey perhaps? A resort for today’s competitive age? One of dome and semi-circular five-star opulence would be in keeping with a Moorish inheritance, and would be an appropriate artifice for an artificial resort, which is exactly what it is. Everything in its place.

But this is the problem. Not everything is in its place, especially building design. It’s not just the resorts. The Can Ramis monstrosity in Alcúdia town is an example of how bad unsympathetic architecture can be. It was the misfortune of the little Ramis houses that they were situated only metres from the sanctuary of the town’s walls, behind which is a heritage law that would have stopped their functionalist conversion in its tracks.

The argument goes, of course, that Mallorca has to upgrade to compete. It’s a fair argument, but only up to a point. The pedestrianisation dogma is not the same as creating new four- or five-star hotels. In Puerto Alcúdia’s case, has the paseo made any difference to tourism competitiveness? Doubtful. But over and above a prom in this or that resort is an orthodoxy of today’s school of architecture which has, for example, succeeded in undermining the ramshackle appeal of Cala San Vicente.

Sóller, Pollensa, Andratx, you can name others. They have thrived on their individual, idiosyncratic charms. But they face the offence of the “new” charm. In Sóller, maybe a botched project wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Oh Well (Or Not): Bienestar Activo and Ironman

Three months are a long time in tourism promotion. 20 June – “All Being Well”. Now – all’s not so well. Strategies are meant to be long-term, but not if they don’t even get off the ground.

“Bienestar Activo” is – was – the brand name for a four-year strategic plan unveiled back in June. The plan was for the municipalities of Alcúdia, Muro and Santa Margalida, together with the local hotel associations and the tourism ministries at both central and local government levels, to promote various sporting activities in the resorts as a means of bolstering off-season tourism. The plan envisaged the spending of a tad under 4.5 million euros over the next four years. Annually, the central ministry would have provided 371,000 euros, a sum matched by the local ministry and also by the three town halls between them. The scheme has collapsed.

Soon after the plan was announced, I contacted the Alcúdia-Can Picafort hotel association, looking for an interview. There was an email exchange, Alcúdia’s tourism councillor was also contacted, a date provisionally established, and then nothing. At the time I found this slightly strange. As it turns out, maybe it wasn’t.

What I wanted to know was the exact nature of the plan, given that the activities – cycling, Nordic walking, hiking, canoeing – were already established. What was the 4.5 million meant to be spent on? I guess that I – we – will never find out. There are no funds to be forthcoming from the ministries.

There was some inkling as to how the money would have been doled out – in general. There were four, vague elements – organisation, specialisation of the destination (whatever that meant), improvement of competitiveness and marketing. But at the presentation which “launched” the project, amongst those attending – mayors, councillors and those as ever hoping for some benefit without actually putting their hands in their pockets, i.e. hoteliers and restaurant owners – there were no representatives of the ministries. The absence of government may tell a story. Had the ministries actually signed up to the whole thing? Or maybe they were going to, and then thought, as I had done, well, what is this all about? Those four aims seemed ill-defined; they may well also have been ill-conceived.

Of course, another explanation is more straightforward, namely government cuts, both nationally and local. Three months in tourism promotion isn’t a long time when it is already known that money is tight, so much so that the tourism ministries at regional and central levels have been merged with others as a way of saving money. Was this plan ever a goer or was it just some sort of PR stunt, and a poor one at that, given that it was unclear what it actually entailed?

The mayors, explaining the plan’s abandonment, say that they will look at it differently in the hope of bringing it back, which is probably a euphemism for saying that it will be quietly forgotten about. Maybe it should be. And maybe it would have been better had they never gone public, because this is a further embarrassment, certainly where Alcúdia is concerned, in terms of grandish tourism promotional schemes. The estación náutica concept has been quietly forgotten about, despite the fanfare that was blown when it surfaced a year and a half ago.

Fortunately for Alcúdia, something rather more concrete has emerged. Some good news with which to hopefully bury the less good news of the bienestar debacle. Thomas Cook and the regional tourism ministry have announced that an Ironman 70.3 triathlon is to be staged in Alcúdia on 14 May next year and also in 2012. Apart from some 2,500 anticipated competitors, the tour operator reckons the event will attract 20,000 visitors. I’m sceptical, but I’ll bow to the company’s knowledge. Nevertheless, the triathlon could well prove to be positive, and perhaps its potential does have something to do with the bienestar falling by the wayside. If you want to attract sports tourism, then better to go with a flagship-style event, rather than the vagueness of what was on offer. Relief for Alcúdia then, but what Muro and Santa Margalida make of it, who knows.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Not The Stupid Economy: Mallorca’s elections and opinion polls

Local elections in Mallorca and the Balearics are to be held next spring. An opinion poll conducted on behalf of “Ultima Hora” suggests that the current main opposition party, the Partido Popular, will win with an overall majority, thus negating the need for a coalition pact.

Since regional autonomy in the early ’80s, the PP has traditionally been the party of Balearics government, firstly as the Coalición Popular and then as the PP in its own right. It lost for the first time in 1999, to a pact headed by the current socialist (PSOE/PSIB*) president Francesc Antich, regained an overall majority in 2003, under the disgraced ex-president Jaume Matas, and then lost out again to an Antich coalition in 2007, despite receiving more votes than other parties. For the PP to now seemingly be heading towards electoral victory suggests a re-establishment of Mallorca and the islands’ social and political norm – conservatism.

While one can nuance the poll as being an expression of dissatisfaction with socialist government and management of the economic crisis, both at the local and the national level, the poll also reveals that the PSOE is on target to gain more of a share of the vote. It is the nationalist party, the Unió Mallorquina, which stands to lose most at the next election; it faces virtual oblivion. This, therefore, begs a question as to the influence of political corruption on voter intention. The UM has been deeply mired in scandal over the past couple of years, but the PP has been similarly tainted by the anti-corruption cases that have gone right to the top of its last administration – to Jaume Matas. The socialists, on the other hand, have escaped the sleaze, just about.

So does the poll simply reflect a reversion to the status quo of the two dominant parties – the PP and PSOE – or is there also the influence of corruption?

The PP has been looking to clean up its act, but an almighty row has erupted within its ranks as a result. Its leader and presidential candidate, José Ramón Bauza, has stated that any politician implicated in a scandal will not stand in the coming elections, which might rule all of them out, you might think. Bauza has gone so far as to say that if any charge levelled at him from his time as mayor of Marratxi were to be forthcoming, then he would step aside.

The opposition to Bauza’s stance stems from what could be unjust and unproven allegations. Not every politician implicated in a corruption case is necessarily guilty. But one has an equivocal situation, because in light of all the scandals, Antich drew up an ethical code under which investigations for any alleged wrongdoing were grounds for resignation. Yet, the president, whilst supporting the position of his main political opponent in asserting that this is not “unjust”, has said that he would not apply the same principle to his own party. The current socialist tourism and employment minister, Joana Barceló, has faced her own local difficulties dating back to her time at the Council of Menorca. Her case has been “archived”, i.e. nothing has been proven, but Antich could be accused of double standards.

Bauza’s determination to clean up the PP is laudable enough, but he opens himself and his party up to potential mischief-making. One can already hear the whispers of dirty tricks being plotted in the election machines of other parties. Bauza has another problem. And that is that some in the party believe that he has moved close to his one-time rival for the leadership of the PP, Carlos Delgado, mayor of Calvia. Moreover, it is felt that Bauza is too Madrid-centric, a possible puppet of the party’s national organisation and less inclined to stand up for local Mallorcan (Balearic) interests. While he has attempted to rebut the idea that Delgado has in some way been influencing him, it might be remembered that Delgado is antipathetic towards Catalanism; he has made a virtue of not speaking Catalan.

The poll could be seen as voter support for Bauza’s clean-up, but the party’s in-figthing threatens to undermine his good intentions and to place an obstacle in the way of its resuming its role as the, if you will, natural party of Balearics government. Bauza and his party may already have given the opponents an own goal because of the alleged closeness to Madrid; the UM and the socialists will exploit it for all its worth. Bauza, however, could respond by accusing Antich of hypocrisy. The elections should be about the key issue of the economy, but they’re likely to be overshadowed by the smell of corruption and the parochialism of insular, nationalist interests.

* Note: The PSOE is the socialist party at national level; the PSIB is the Balearics version.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

All That Noise: Back to school and beaches

Get a day of beach transcendence, such as yesterday, and you realise there is only one blemish. Other people. Sundays should be for highly vocalised church-going, leaving non-believers in sandy peace and quiet.

It was the last day of summer yesterday. Schools are back today. 12 September can normally be relied upon to unleash biblical weather. It did, but was an Araratian failure and a success of Eden, save for the great unwashed who came to take the waters.

September here and the British have largely fled, leaving the Mallorcans to attempt to stave off German sunbedsraum and for them to both compete in the sonorous league. Which is louder? A Mallorcan or a German? Teutonic volume should be a thing of research. There is no obvious explanation for it other than a direct correlation between size and loudness. The Mallorcan bellow, on the other hand, is easily understood; it has been genetically programmed in order to be heard over the thunderous growl of a “moto”. Smaller families have not eliminated another form of conditioning, that of feeling the need to shout to be heard.

The Mallorcan child’s noise does not seem to register with the Mallorcan child’s parent. It is fair to say that the child is also indulged. Today, a communal song and dance will be made about the return to school, while the cacophony on the streets will be matched only by the sound of heavy boots ensuring a smooth first day of the new school year. So much is made of the “vuelta al cole” that the press report the number of police being pressed into action to supervise it. One can only attribute the number of column inches to the fact that the summer holiday occupies a quarter of the year; the return is an event. There is even a whole website devoted to it.

To coincide with the vuelta, a survey has been conducted regarding issues in local education. The greatest concern involves discipline. It doesn’t come as a surprise. Kids are not out of control, but that parental indulgence translates itself into the classroom. More importantly, what one has is often the reverse of deprived conditions which lead to school indiscipline. The presence of a “class” of offspring of wealthy Mallorcans who come to appreciate that they need to do little but whose cups will still runneth over once they leave school, allied to that indulgence, creates its own lack of discipline. It’s a phenomenon that has been explained to me more than once by local teachers.

Back to school though means that the beaches will be quieter, the late summer sun can be enjoyed, until the torment of the stormy “tormenta” arrives, which it will. And then you won’t hear the shouts for the sound of the thunder.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Life For Rent

Tugging hard at the bottom-hugging short skirts of tart life Magalluf-style (27 August, “Pros and Cons”) has come the police bust of a male-prostitution network in Palma. “The Boys From Brazil” was a documentary about Brazilian rent boys, produced by Trudie Styler, Mrs Sting. The latest generation has found its way to Mallorca, seduced by offers of work, only to discover that it wasn’t quite what the brochure said.

Gay or straight, prostitution is flourishing. “The Guardian” yesterday ran a feature on the growth of sex for sale. It was in light of Potato Head’s latest playing of an away fixture, but it dealt not just with Premier League footballers. There was, though, a footballing analogy. Free internet porn has created an appetite. “Like watching Match of the Day, and then being inspired to go out and play football, and try out something you’ve seen.”

By coincidence, the day before there had been an interview in “The Diario” with a member of a group which studies prostitution in the Balearics. He was an organiser of a congress at the university in Palma which went under the seemingly alarming title of “good practices in prostitution”. Chiming perhaps with what “The Guardian” discovered, he believes that attitudes towards prostitution among young adults (males) have not become more rejective; the opposite appears to be the case.

The Spanish Government has talked of banning sex advertising in newspapers, but it may well be shooting at the wrong target. The internet fuels much of the sex industry, be it in the UK or in Spain or Mallorca. And then you have the clubs.

Prostitution is not illegal, but nor is it sanctioned. The situation is a not untypical Spanish legal muddle. What is illegal, supposedly, is pimping or the existence of brothels. It is this that has caught the rent boys’ controllers out, as it has been used to net others charged with exploitation. Yet there is a tolerance, allied to the grey area of the lap dancing or show girls’ clubs. Everyone knows what their real purpose is, but they exist all the same. One of the clubs in Alcúdia has a large billboard by the horse roundabout. It’s just up the road.

The tolerance is starting to erode, however. Recently, the police raided a well-known “establishment” on an industrial estate in Palma (see, these industrial estates have all sorts of entertainment, as I’ve mentioned previously). Whether this is a precursor to a more rigorous police approach elsewhere remains to be seen. But some might argue that to get tough with the clubs would be bad for business – tourism business; I once wrote here about the staggering level of sex tourism that Mallorca is meant to attract.

This can all be overplayed, though. While the clubs may hint at seediness, they don’t have a negative impact on tourism in places like Alcúdia. They’re not rammed down your throat, so to speak, despite the billboards. But the tourism angle isn’t really the point. To talk of greater social acceptance of prostitution is probably wrong. The lessening of stigma is more accurate; in the UK at any rate. In Mallorca it is rather different. There hasn’t been the same stigma associated with going to a girls’ club, a situation that shows little sign of changing.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

It Gets Knocked Down

Then it gets up again. Eventually. Maybe.

The re-development of Playa de Palma in the south of the island has been talked about for years. It has taken on a mythical dimension in that it is meant to hold the key to a prosperous Mallorcan tourist second life. A thing of beauty, unlike what grew up in the sixties and has been more the stuff of nightmares ever since.

Playa de Palma means not just Palma but also Can Pastilla (which is in Palma) and Arenal (which isn’t). When I first came to Mallorca – in 1969 – it was to Arenal, in the days before it was colonised by Stein und Sauerkraut. Much of the area is a dump. It was then, but holidaymakers lacked the sophistication to realise it. They were in awe of the notion of the cheap and available “foreign” holiday. From the room in the hotel I could see a shanty town. It isn’t there now, but as a young and idealistic teenager, it left a lasting impression – one of the obscene dichotomy between wealth and poverty that were the early years of island tourism, and one that has been, and is being repeated in other countries.

When mass tourism arrived on the back of the package deal, Clarkson and BEA, Playa de Palma was the Mallorcan Red Barrel to the Spanish mainland’s Lloret, Benidorm and Torremolinos Luton Airport. It’s where it all started. There is a mitigating factor to the grossness of what emerged. The Costas and Mallorca were first movers in mass tourism. Like any initiators of an “industrial” revolution, as with Britain and its industrialisation, there were no manuals to go by, no mistakes to learn from. Thus, the errors were made, and one has today’s rotting corpse of the tourism progenitor.

They want to knock a lot of it down – residences and hotels – and erect what might be more a palace of Palma, one to compete with the oriental pleasure domes of Turkey or the pyramidal extravagance of Egyptian accommodation. Understandably, not everyone is too keen on the idea. The protests have caused them, the politicians, to backtrack. A new “definitive” plan is promised later this year, one that will replace the previous definitive plan. Even this may be delayed. There are elections next spring.

Without the re-development, so it is being said, Playa de Palma has no economic future. The architects are among those saying this, to which one might suggest that they would, wouldn’t they. Wrapped up in all of this is the notion that the beautification of what is a generally unlovely stretch of coastline will bring benefits for out-of-season tourism – to Palma itself. This might be true, but as with any pronouncement regarding non-sun and beach tourism, there is more than a hint of the ill-defined blue sky, or blue waters if you prefer in the Playa’s case. No one knows of course. Which isn’t to say that it shouldn’t be done. It should be. But lurking in the background are two things. One, as ever with Mallorca, is the suspicion that someone (or more than just someone) stands to “benefit”. No project on the island can be viewed in any other way; history, much of it recent, is too littered with examples to suggest otherwise. Two, there is the what-about-me question. If there is seriousness as to the overall improvement to the coastal resorts, then Playa de Palma is, or should be, merely the first port of call. You can add on others – Magalluf, Can Picafort, parts of Alcúdia, for example.

Yet amidst all the debate and the argument, there is another factor, and that is, as has been pointed out by one architect asked to voice an opinion about Playa de Palma, the influence of tour operators. TUI, for example, wants four-star hotels. Good for TUI. But what will they fill them with? Do you dismantle resorts and establish new, bright and shiny, all-inclusive hotels instead? Because this is what is likely to happen. And so a different type of obscenity, one for the twenty-first century’s mass tourism, emerges. The result may be palatial, it may be architecturally more wonderful, it may fill new hotels, but it may also simply create division through what become little more than gated-community ghettoes lining the beaches.

Knock it down by all means, but be very aware that the Phoenix that rises from the burnt ashes of the old hotels may be a monster.

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.